The Immense Power of Gentle Redirection
Years ago I heard a story on a podcast that ended up rooting deeply in my psyche.
It wasn’t even a whole story. As an example of what healthy boundaries can look like, the host (my friend Rohini Moradi*) described how when her niece was offered something she didn’t want, she didn’t resist, argue, withdraw, or overexplain. She would simply raise her hand gracefully and say:
“No, thank you.”
I heard this about a year after moving back to the USA. I had lived twelve radiant, healing years on the Mediterranean coast of Spain and the reverse culture shock I experienced coming back to the States had me tense, oversensitive, and more reactive than usual. I was outraged at the outrage. I was at war with the culture wars. I wasn’t in a constant state of indignation, but there were days that the anger and disgust threatened to take over my inner world.
Strangely enough, at this time I was also having a spiritual awakening. It soon became crystal clear to me that I was developing the habit of focusing on negativity, absorbing it, and amplifying it. I was doing the opposite of Rohini’s niece. When offered something I didn’t want (opinions, attitudes, biases, judgements), instead of a polite and energetically clean “no thank you,” I was writhing in horror.
My mental image of the contrast between Rohini’s niece’s vibes and mine at that time goes something like this:
Bia de’ Medici by Angolo Bronzino, 1542, on the left and Woman Pulling Her Hair from School of Marcantonio Raimondi, 1515 on the right.
No one does elegant, powerful neutrality like the Mannerists!
To be clear, this is not a moral judgement of “negative” emotions. I do not advocate repressing anger and frustration or otherwise manipulating ourselves into being nice, good, or well-behaved. In fact morality and ethics have no part in this, nor does a desire to be more palatable or liked.
What I care about is personal power as a means to an end. That end is the freedom to honor my wild heart by choosing what is most alive for me in the moment.
When I was in that reactive state, engaging with negativity, I was creating a lot of resistance that blocked my field of perception. It was a noisy way to move through the world and I couldn’t even hear my wild heart, say nothing of honoring it.
If what my wild heart needs in the moment is for me to scream, cry, and tear at my hair, then that’s what I want to do. I’m here to feel deeply. I’m not interested in bypassing anything that’s meant for me and to determine what’s meant for me, I consult my heart.
To everything else I politely say, “No, thank you.”
I’m by no means perfect at this practice but even my imperfect application is yielding good fruit.
*Rohini Moradi is one of those fascinating people who resists conventional labels. She has created a lot of cool stuff including plant music, an online school, a 7-figure business, and most recently, a bestselling book called Tapping Into the Akasha: A Wonderous Journey of Personal Growth and Spiritual Development.
